how are you?

just having thoughts about things...not really feeling like sharing because i don't think its worth recording.

how are you?

anybody out there, lets have a one on one lunch sometime.

i'm beginning to see the value of one on one time with people.

i don't care about gender anymore. i think i've been a little too paranoid about that.

so anybody...lets have lunch...no dinners...i'm still paranoid

im free for monday and wednesday lunches.

i know which three people i'm asking right now...hahaha...i should ask more people.

whoo...here we go

ok...so lots on my mind...lets see if i can remember everything...

well my snowboard jacket came. its really thin, black. it looks alright. it was only 60 bucks so im satisfied. i now have a black jacket, black pants, black board, and black boots. oh and a black beanie. just not black bindings but they're a very dark green.

ok now real thoughts...

so i had a moment of insanity on tuesday. i was driving yena, jason, nima, back from pink's, and they were either sleeping, or really really quiet in my car. during this drive i thought my once in a while thought of "what if i just crashed into a wall right now?" and it started to evolve into thoughts of if that would matter, if people make life out to be more valuable than it really is, and how upon death nothing matters anymore, and were all bound to die, so does anything really matter? and eventually got me to questioning why people have such a tight grip on their lives. i mean its fine to want certain things out of life, to look for joy, to seek some goal, and whatever. thats all good and meaningful while you're alive, i mean you're living your life, but maybe we're holding on too tightly to life. we should just enjoy life, not have to be so uptight with living that we express anger or fear. sorrow i can understand, and regret too. but other negative emotions (haven't thought of them all, just thought about anger and fear really) is not necessary. whats the point? why do you need to get angry over something that really doesn't matter, and why do you need to fear when whatever the outcome is, is of no significance really. i mean you can fear in the sense of you don't want it to happen because its unfavorable to you, but fear to the point where it really paralyzes your life, quite unnecessary. thus the mind of a psychopath, or what we label as a psychopath anyway, there is nothing psychotic about it really, its just not socially normal. well the mind is this, "why do people have such a tight grip on life?" its comical is it not? like if someone was holding onto a cookie for dear life, as if it meant something, and to get angry if the cookie crumbles, or fear that it will be stolen. its just ridiculous. replace cookie with some other object you think better completes the analogy. a thumbtack, whatever. its ridiculous. and if you look at life in that light, that it isn't that important, i mean like a cookie, we enjoy life, but nothing to go crazy over, then it makes perfect sense. if i steal your cookie and you start boiling with hatred, its hysterical. or if i eat your cookie and you freak out and go numb in fear, that's also hysterical. or if i eat someone else's cookie, and a bunch of people freak out and start guarding their cookies, its just way too damn funny. i mean all that happened was, cookie was there, now its gone. and people go nuts. and all i did was some cookie eating. cookie was there, and now gone. hilarious. okay now here is the tricky part (psychotic part). keep the same sort of significance you gave that cookie, and apply it to life. now don't let the word life scare you. like i said life is quite favorable but ultimately not very significant. you gotta be very level headed about this. don't let all your previous premonitions about life being the utmost important thing ever hinder this process. okay now....ready? someone get really angry at you because of whatever you did to his life (steal something? mess up something?) and he starts boiling with hatred. hilarious! why does he care so much? why can't he chill out? so childish right? and this guy starts picking a fight with you, beating you up. he just can't drop it. hes that consumed and can't loosen his grip on life. thats just too sad and funny, that he cares so much that he brings himself stress and strains his body to try to feel justified. over a cookie?! im sorry...i mean over life. if someone is murdered in a crowd and everyone freaks out, funny right? people just going bananas, crying, screaming, imagine funny looking hysterically freaked out people. hilarious. and if you kill someone, its funny because everyone thinks life matters sooo much when it doesn't!

ok so if you catch my drift, thats cool. if you didn't thats cool too because you're "sane".

oh and if you're really buying this then you're seriously psycho. it was just a passing thought. OF COURSE LIFE IS IMPORTANT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! COMPARING LIFE TO A COOKIE?! WTF?!

but anyways that was my psycho moment. i actually chuckled a little thinking about it. but it also creeps me out that psychos can have sort of mindset towards a life.

next thought i've had is....give me a moment...let me try to recall...

oh yeah...regarding christianity. i know there is a God and do try to live to please him, more so some times then other, often neglect him, but i do know and love him. anyways...so im really curious, because i've finally gotten to a point where i'm wanting to know him more and do feel him calling me to certain things in my life, and he moves me, like a really close, even closer, friend, relative, mentor would. so how is it that so many christians (myself included...real conundrum...someone explain this to me too) just don't do anything. like having a girl you want to marry and never proposing, or having a wife and never showing her your love in any flower buying, dinner cooking, laundry doing, taking care of when sick kind of way. people that say they love God, for the majority, don't do anything. asides from mediocre house chores equivalents. and they don't really give it a second thought. as if its fine that they're living life neglecting God who they supposedly love, and that its fine just doing dish washing equivalents of love expressions for him. well on second thought maybe its similar to how we often express our love for our parents, who is most likely the person we love most on the planet. i mean i don't really do much for my parents. i do feel really guilty about that, but yeah i really dont do much for them, but i do love them to death. maybe its like that. i dont know. so you know what i take this thought back...sort of.

and finally

i think i'm feeling a real need to have enlightening thoughts and enlightening conversations. i think im dying of thirst for them. i'm so sick of laughter over menial things (but also enjoying that). i'm dying for substance. i'm dying for a change of pace.

sudden realization: goddamn i am high maintenance. my future wife needs to mentally stimulate me if she's really my "soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." that tough. will i find her?

5 am....really john?...really?

waking up late can really take its toll on you, make you remember feel you wasted your life. im continuing to fall into this awkward state of half loneliness. as it is almost all the time with me, i can't really describe my thoughts on it to you. its just this weird limbo between being happy and fulfilled with God, friends, school, future goals, and lost in the lack of progress, rx7, girl. im waiting on applying to usc and manoa which are due in february, and hoping to be accepted to slo this time around. i realize i am pretty spoiled and bubbled in laziness. i dont work and dont care about making money. and i dont do much for the family, and i don't study hard for school. i wish i was in a place of working and going to school, trying to make time to have fun, living away from parents, cooking my own meals, saving money, making small investments. the new american dream: fabricated independence. i want it. the car you've wanted since junior high, the girl you've dreamed about since your growth spurt slowed down, the apartment you've wanted for the past 3 years, i want to live these out but in my stupid bubbled laziness...nothing. im actually waiting to see what school i end up going to, and start my american dream after that location is decided. we'll see about that. i'm quite frustrated that i can't get into arch schools with a 3.6 gpa. i can't really do anything to improve my chances. i've thought of applying to more schools but there really is no point seeing as to how im pretty set on stayin in california. but maybe im being stupid, maybe i should just apply everywhere.

its late and i dont want to reveal that im up to my family by alerting them through my typing noise

the sentence to wrap up what this post would have meant. (john you've wrapped up your thoughts clearly for once!)

i want to meet new people, women, and make female friends. not even girlfriends, i just feel that in my endeavors of building my character to what i thought was valuable i've highly neglected that part of my life. to have female friends. i dont go too far past acquaintances with most.

ok that was more than 1 sentence.

whats the deal?

after years of, of whatever, and two romantic comedies, im sick of it. i want a girlfriend, oh my lawd i do. but it gets extremely tricky and frustrating, i don't want just any girl, i've long been sick of break ups and needless love investing. i want that girl that hollywood always models their female heroines after, like rachel mcadams from wedding crashers, or catherine keener from the 40 year old virgin, or elisha cuthbert from the girl next door. who is this girl that hollywood always derives their female roles from (more successfully sometimes than others)? i think im torn in hoping there is a girl like that out there, i mean there has to be right? how else does hollywood know about her? and considering the female population of the world there must be, right? but what if im kidding myself and it is just a figment of men's imaginations. the questions that tears me is - does she exist or not? has anyone else truly found their "one." i mean you can tell me you did but there is no way to verify if your idea of "the one" is really it. maybe you're kidding yourself. it is more likely that you don't realize that you have just settled for someone that is close to who you should have ended up with. i'm not dawgin on your girl, whoever you are, but there is no way even you would know that you've really found her, right? how do i formulate this argument that i am thinking? does anyone catch my drift? i mean i could end up getting married to a girl never to find that "the one" was some egyptian girl who lives in australia. but i mean i could be completely happy with who i married and think that shes the world to me and be happy that she's this nice, smart, wise, understanding, whatevers, but what if i missed the mark? (anybody seen before sunset with julie delphy? she has a rant about the absurdity of the idea that people are incomplete and that they can only be complete and happy if they find their supposed counterpart. watch the movie...but watch before sunrise first because before sunset is the sequel. and hear julie delphy's rant. she speaks wisdom. haha). If shes not completing my thoughts and having traits that annoy me but that i love in some weird contradictory way, not someone i was stunned by and eventually fell in love with (lets be real, you can't fall in love at first sight, although you can get a feeling that you might love this person, but you can't love someone unless you know them) is she not "the one"? and then there is the whole thing of if such a woman exists. maybe there is no such thing as your "soulmate" and everyone is actually doomed (or blessed) to find someone they are most compatible with and you're supposed to settle with that realizing that such a romantic idea of starcrossed whatevers is childish, immature, shakespeare. i want a girlfriend, the kind that completes my thoughts and enjoys doing mundane things in the company of each other, but does she exist? and if she does how do i find her? i mean based off our sources isn't she supposed to somehow just miraculously appear into our lives? what am i, are we as men, suppose to do? im dying here. i want to be starstruck but am i putting hope in a lie?

wow did i just type that?

entertain me

with humor, spontaneity

doesn't have to be big

little acts that surprise me

an attitude to seize opportunities of laughter

with intelligence, wit and cunning

simplicity and depth

understanding and selfishness

a fervor to live

and a knowledge of living

with crusted eyes and burnt eggs

dirty shoes and clean laundry

cold ears and full stomachs

the sun and the mute

beauty and the beast

and i will love you

distance

straight to the point. i feel so far from myself. its strange. what is it i'm looking for? where am i off? and does it even matter? quickly said, no John it doesn't matter, who gives what your hormones, synapses, and chemical release whatevers are making you feel "off" about. In the end the conclusion is just keep doing whatever you need to do and just drop bit. well yeah, but i have time on my hands and i choose to dwell on thoughts that can be dwelled on in hopes of coming to some new revelation about myself. necessary? no. but its always nice to intentionally, and cognitively pursuing some new realization or development to your character. especially if you can afford to. maybe its just my lack of sleep that is making me feel like something is awry. but i don't that that is entirely it considering i have been having other ideas about korean culture and the whole watchful eye and consideration thing that sometimes goes to far too the point where it slowly rots you. it never really occurred to me this way before but recently i am starting to notice the often ridiculousness of underlying social pressures and indirect disdains. all in all i feel like i can't be myself these days, and the closest i can get to feeling like myself is when i'm playing street fighter 4...yeah i know, what a great tool for self definition. i feel like a void trying to learn, or re-learn, how to socialize, be funny, be amiable, be approachable. what am i degrading into? i'm getting far from myself, or what i thought was myself, and there is no point i can think of that started this whole bonanza. who am i? what are my values? is what i am of any significance? does what i value hold any weight beyond itself? but really what this all does simmer down to is - what am i?

i need

i want

i yearn

i don't